The Season ‘Tis

NOTE: This is the first time I’m writing about why my current life is “bi-coastal.” I haven’t wanted to write about it until now, because words on paper made it more concrete, and the day-to-day living of it was hard enough. But, it’s time to start taking the path of sharing what I believe many others have, or will, experience similarly. Silence is not always golden. Sometimes, it’s suffocating.

Though this path is not easy, often is not pretty, and seldom is not shadowed… it still is a path where I, and we, are not walking Alone. Even in the grey, God is there.

I’ll write more as the Spirit leads…

The Season ‘Tis

“Tis the season”… it makes you think of the holidays, yes? For me, this time in my life  – and in the life of my family – is not all about “jolly” and “fa-la-la-la-lah’s.” In fact, it’s a time when – while worshipping our Savior and remembering His birth – we mourn my daddy’s disease and remember the life he had… while ever adjusting to the life he – and we – now have in this season. 

My father has Alzheimer’s. He also has vascular dementia. One of those damned diseases is enough. Two of them just slam into his mind and our hearts like a freight train ready to wrought its destruction. When one who is beloved is besieged, there's such a plethora of emotions...

I remember the day the disease made its defined debut in my life: August 1, 2011. I had been looking at empty shelves and empty bank accounts for a good while and then had the provisional blessing of enough money to pay rent (and then some) arrive within days and hours of “rent being due.” I was about to deposit the funds into my financial dessert so I could buy groceries, textbooks and such… when the call came.

“The tests say, 'Dad has Alzheimer’s,'” my sister stated as she continued to read the reports gathered from finally getting Dad to take tests that would quantify all the qualitative changes we’d been seeing in him for a number of years. She continued to read, but I don’t remember the words. I just remember later sitting in the bank parking lot and sobbing.

Here I’d been so aware of how hard it was to have to live with no money, and I knew my father was likely destined to have to live with no memories. And I just wanted to throw things, roll back the clock, find a cure, curse at God and various and sundry other responses.

Yes, that’s right, curse at God. Me. A Seminary Student. On the path to ordination…. And I wanted to tell the Creator of the Universe where He could stuff it. If you wondered about all that lightning striking in the parking lot of the North Hollywood Ralph’s on a clear blue LA day… I caused it, with my authentic agony as Alzheimer’s got given its name in my family.

No, really, there was no lightning. And actually, even while the intense inner ache reverberated through my soul, I knew God knew I was not cursing at Him but at the reality that the world He created had such evil entities in it as Alzheimer’s and other types of dementia. (Later tests would show the frontal lobe of my dad’s brain impacted by vascular dementia as well.)

There’s much to say about the days and months that followed. When I graduated and after I was ordained, I didn’t stay in L.A. to develop the media and ministry interests I thought I’d take a year or two to pursue. Instead, I accepted the call to be in N.C. with my family and to help during this time of transition. It’s an honor and a privilege to be a part of caring for those who’ve cared for me so well and for so long. It’s my turn to give a small portion back from the large portion bestowed on me in love for all my life.

However, it’s also a season of pain within years of sorrow. There’s a beauty midst all the changes that my Dad and family are experiencing. A beauty that happens because God does redeem even the most awful ashes of the fires that burn through the brains and bodies of disease. You see, redemption doesn’t always come in cures….

It comes in just taking it day-by-day and trusting in the Divine and His promise that earth is not the end and restoration and eternity walk hand and hand. My family holds onto to that and other promises from our Triune God…

… even when the season… ‘tis One that breaks our hearts. 

Hidden in Dreams – Worth Seeking Out

I read every page.

Davis’ Bunn’s new novel, Hidden in Dreams, was the first book I read just for the joy of it in June … literally within an hour of finishing my five-year seminary season (earning an MDiv in Los Angeles). To many people, noting that you read every page of a book may not seem that significant, but to me, it represents the caliber of the content and the effective capturing of my attention because I relished every word.

You see, this is not often the case with me. I learned to read in kindergarten and by sixth grade (after several years sans a TV due to my father’s edict), I had become a voracious reader. I was perusing Reader’s Digest Condensed books in middle school and eating up anything lovely and literary on which I could feast my eyes and my emotions. There were some unfortunate side effects to what some might say was the edifying educational pursuit of near-constant reading… because not everything I read was “true, noble right…” (Phil. 4:8).

Bunn has long been one of my favorite authors. To a woman who has been known to read more than one book a day, yet who actually found herself with a unexpected aversion to reading during grad school -- his novels blend spiritual edification with romance and suspense; his superb character development is most often seasoned with intellectual savvy.

A NC native, and current resident of both Florida and England, Bunn is an author with a tremendously eclectic collection of genres. As a writer with future aspirations of being an author, I once found that a bit intimidating… how does he “do” all the different styles so well?!? Bunn has been especially effective in his books echoing his experience in the world of international finance, and which also include his own ever-growing walk of faith.

Hidden in Dreams is a book about the need for discernment. Yes, I know it’s about a group of people who are all having the same dream. Their sleep is disturbed by what seems to be a prophetic message, especially as it relates to the world’s banks and overall economy… but at its core, it’s about knowing the Creator God and affirming that the message you are hearing is truly from Him and not from some fraudulent “other.”

I’ve heard it said that the most effective tool of the Deceiver is to use a lotta truth and a little bit of  “lie.” I believe dreams can be prophetic because I believe Jesus as The Word is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) and if it happens in the Bible, it can happen today. However, I also believe that just as Bunn’s main character, Elena Burroughs - a psychologist, author and dream interpreter – had to learn to interact with divine discernment not only her mind, but her spirit and her siblings in Christ…we as humans need to acknowledge that just because something seems implausible doesn’t make it impossible.

We walk by faith, not by sight, says II Corinthians 5:7. What seems real may not be. And what seems far-fetched may be just the avenue God’s using to get us in alignment with His Will. In Bunn’s book, the question is: Which is it? Truth or Travesty? Divinity or Deceit?

For me, a former seminarian and recently ordained pastor who also writes and acts, I love when a book appeals to all the parts of me. Hidden in Dreams does that. It is a page-turner, a faith-builder, a mind-stimulator, a spirit-grower and an overall well-written book… which in my experience, is just the way Davis Bunn “does” his books. He’s not too heavy-handed with the faith component, but it shines throughout. I believe his books have an appeal for both believers and those who wonder if this whole “religion or relationship” thing needs to be investigated further.

I was given the book in advance (published by Howard Books, a division of Simon and Shuster), and I agreed to write a blog in response. But, I must be transparent. I would have wanted to tell you about this book and this author regardless. In a literary and textbook world where I learned to be an expert at skimming books or jumping to the ending after I read the beginning and before I decided if it was worth reading the middle… I reiterate this fact: I read every page of Hidden in Dreams… in consecutive order… while my eyes were burning from lack of sleep at the end of my arduous exam season and seminary life.

It was a gift to my brain to do so.

I think your brain would like it, too. Go on, give it the gift. J